Monday, August 25, 2008

Bad Luck Upchuck Action Hour, in Glorious Psychedelo-Tone!

Buck says....calling over Pixie..."Gorgeous! You know where we can find Mr. Smalls? I'm the manager for "The Creature Feature" here....we have some biz with this guy, Mr. Smalls..."


The Vulkin turns to answer, but never gets a chance. As she passes a nearby table, a cloaked hobling suddenly drops his half-eaten burger and spews his lunch at her feet. She slips in the sick and thuds to the floor, as bedlam erupts in the burger shack.

Lunches are lost and cookies tossed in every corner of the room. Quazarn gives forth with a keening wail as he de-gulps his goxburger onto the floor between his legs. His nausea passes quickly, but is followed by a belch so acrid it makes his eyes water.

At his side the Creature bites his lip and puffs out his cheeks in a mighty show of self-control. He rummages through his pouch till he finds the policeman's cap he borrowed on his way into town, gently shakes loose the bit of scalp still sticking to the brim, then finally coughs up his hamburger into the hat. He immediately begins to hiccup loudly.

Buck stands dumbfounded amid the tumult. Most of those lucky enough to keep their food down race for the exit, skidding on slick floorboards. The unlucky choke and gasp all around him. The dwarfess at the bar hacks up a stream of butterflies. One of the Honchos huddles under the table weeping hysterically, and another slowly turns a florescent shade of green. Nearby the Honchos table Buck spots the one other fellow still standing: the ape who'd been eating at the end of the bar.

Buck and the ape are still surveying the carnage when the swinging doors to the kitchen bang open and an ogress in a greasy apron bellows forth, brandishing a half-gnawed haunch of beef and an improbably large cleaver.

"More Meeeat," roars the ogress, lunging for one of the goblin bike messengers...

[Quazarn has toxic halitosis, 5' radius, and will suffer a 10% penalty to all LEA abilities for the next 4 hours. The Creature will take a 5% penalty to all ability and attack % rolls due to debilitative hiccups, also for 4 hours]


"Well.....there you have it...." sighs Buck doing his best Oliver Hardy. "Shall we retire to another portion of the room, gentlemen? Oh I dunno...something with a little less V O M I T perhaps?" He removes a glove, and runs a finger deftly under both sides of his moustache. "Why is it I can't get a straight answer from anyone these days?"

(They better not DREAM of sticking us with a check either!!)

Buck looks over at the ape at the bar who isn't heaving..."How about you buddy? Since you seemed to have enough dignity NOT to eat one of these monstrosities perhaps YOU would like to have a drink with me...maybe give me a NORMAL response concerning this rather bleak abode, maybe shoot a game of billiards?"

Buck keeps his hand near his holster in case he has to draw down on the Ogress or even the ape.....but he doesn't like to appear concerned, so he converses but is on the draw in his mind.


" lunch......not to BE lunch! Creature not like mean ogress!! AAAAAAARGH!!!"

The creature intends to lift the ogress and send her sliding head first down the bar crashing into glasses, plates, customers, and vomit as she goes- wild west saloon fight style!

Let me know if that's a attack roll, lesser feat, or greater feat, or whatever else.


[The Creature needs to roll an attack and a Feat roll -- just tell me the % on the second roll.

[I'll wait for Doc and Coffee to chime in before resolving actions, hits, etc.]


Creature rolls....

Melee Attack (rated 107%) rolls 27% !

Feat (rated 100% Lesser/ 31% Greater) rolls 33%

edit- forgot to add in my hiccup adjustment. So the attack roll is a 32%, still easily within my rating, and the feat roll is a 38% and awaits the Journey Master's adjudication.


(If nobody is taking a swing at Buck, he's just gonna fold his arms and check this out. If this thing starts turning into a saloon fight, I'm in...otherwise, just gonna step over the burger-bits and IF Pixie is still on her ass in the muck, maybe offer to help her up.)


Zarko, his meal finished and retained, gets out of the Ogress's landing zone. He sidles up to Buck, shoves a toothpick in his mouth, and says:

"Yeah, we could get a drink." He gestures back toward the action. "But let's see how this turns out first, okay?"

He grins.


"Let's watch our boy in action here," Buck says to Zarko with a grin, pointing at The Creature.


Buck keeps a wary eye on the ogress as he checks on Pixie. He helps her roll out from beneath the hobling who'd fainted across her, and pulls her to her feet. She gives him a quick grin.

Across the bar the messenger goblins scatter as the slavering cook charges them. One of them is not quite fast enough, and the ogress snatches him up by the strap of his shoulder bag and neatly decapitates him with her cleaver.

"Meeaat," she groans, drooling.

She's about to sink her fangs into the limp goblin's shoulder when the Creature slams into her. Dropping the goblin she reels around to face her attacker, even as he grunts and hoists her onto the bar. The Creature tries to slide the ogress across he bartop with a monstrous heave, but she wraps her gnarled and hairy thighs around his waist, smooshing his face into her belly. Her stomach growls loudly.


The Creature says something, but "Gfpmph...Uggmpha" is all anyone can make out as his face is firmly planted in the Ogress's beer gut.

He tries to lift the Ogress up off the bar and then slam her back down.

Melee Attack Roll: 60% Success!

Feat Roll: 30% Success!...but then the Creature looses his grip for a second as he hiccups...35%..only good for a lesser feat!


Buck quits grinning. He makes sure Pixie is standing and alright then he leaps towards the action to help Creature. Buck thinks to himself, "Too much confusion...might accidentally hit a bystander or Creature," as he removes his hand from his holster... [Might I roll against "Clue" or something, to see if there's any formidable chopping or slashing weapons in all this foray laying around?]


[Buck and Zarko are at the opposite end of the bar from the Creature and the ogress. You guess you have a pretty clear shot. If you want to roll Clue go for it.]


Hell with it, I'm gonna give a shot. Buck pulls his .38 out and, arm outstretched, fires a round towards the ogress's head.

Jeez, man....dice at the house.....somebody hip me to a darned virtual dice roller!

Found one....I have a 71% Missile Attack...2-7 Damage if I hit....I roll..........................Got a 43%....think i hit.

Dr Rotwang!

Like a retching dog, Quazarn backs away from the "burger," hacking and clawing at his mouth -- as if he could remove the taste. "AAAAAH!" he blares, "GYEEEAAGH! Moons of Meepzor, what in the Stink-Pits of Groobloid was THAT?!"

He stumbles toward the nearest being, clutching at his or her shoulders, and wheezes, "Water! Please, WATER!"

This action, as it happens, is bound to have disastrous results.


(Haaa! HA!!, brilliant shit...."Moons of Meepzor...Stink-Pits of Groobloid"!! HA!)


Quazarn stumbles into an Amazon verminator two tables over, who gasps at his garbage-mouth and shoves him away. He collides heavily with her table, and watches with fascination as the iron cage resting there clangs to the floor. He thinks he smells the whiff of doom, but it turns out to be his breath*.

At the bar the Creature still wrestles with the crazed ogress. Using her alarmingly strong thighs she wrenches him over a sink behind the bar, grabs a flexible tap and sprays him full in the face with skunked ale. "Maaarinade," she growls.

Before the ogress can shove the beer tap down the Creature's throat Buck's bullet slams into her shoulder. Her grip slackens and the Creature clobbers her. She topples off and into the bar stools in a brawny heap.

Through it all Zarko watches, cool as a chimp in carbonite, rolling his toothpick from one side of his mouth to the other.

[*Rolled See the Future on Quazarn's behalf, but his prediction of disaster did not come true. Alas? The ogress rolled a Great Feat to oppose Creature's Lesser Feat, hence his hosedown. Because of Buck's bullet I ruled Creature could still make his melee ATT.

[I rolled damage for Buck & the Creature to keep things moving. Please feel free to roll your own damage along with a successful attack.]


Based on "her" appearance and incredible strength, the Creature suspects there might be more to this Ogress than meets the eye and give a quick kick to the junk...well assuming there is junk to kick.

Melee Attack roll 99%+5% Hiccup penalty=104% Success!

Damage=11 (plus any junk related special effects)


The Creature learns that the ogre is indeed female. Also, quite thoroughly deceased.

"Guess it's time to look for a new gig," sighs Pixie. "You guys just greased Rollo."

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